This past weekend I had to go clothes shopping. Which I absolutely despise right now. My weight is back up to 194, my clothing size is not what I want to think about right now, and given the year or so I’ve had, I just wanted to go ahead and make it through the rest of the year without purchasing any more pieces of clothing that would make me feel miserable about how much weight I’ve put on.
But with a new job comes a new uniform and new responsibilities, and if I’m going to be heading out to crime scenes like I did on Thursday…it can’t be in skirts and heels. So off I went for khaki’s and black sneakers on Saturday, while Dreamboat held the fort down at home. After 5 stores and an emotional outburst, I was able to find some at JC Penny’s. Sure, they are juniors in order to fit my short stature, and a size way higher than I want to admit to wearing, but they fit and they are comfy and the truth is they will work when I’m out at a scene for 8 hours running around like my hair is on fire.
I still felt like an epic failure on all counts.
I texted a friend of mine this morning, mentioning how lovely it was that I started my diet on a day where I was disgusted with my body. Sure, I’ve lost a couple of pounds over the past few weeks, but I still feel like a whale walking around. We’ve been cleaning up our eating at home, I’ve been making steps to cut out excess sugar and soda, and we’ve been doing better about not buying junk food and leaving it in the house for us to snack on. (Because we aren’t hungry, we’re bored)
She replied something I found to be incredibly profound: “You know what you can do and what you can be. So do it. Don’t punish yourself because life happened.”
And I thought about it on the rest of the drive to work. I realized she’s right. If I were to be honest with myself, I felt life slipping into a bad place before the first of the year. I wasn’t happy with how I was being treated at work, I wasn’t happy with how I was feeling, I was frustrated with how things were going with Dreamboat and I… and I just wasn’t happy. And I wasn’t happy for a while. And things needed to change.
Running had to be pushed to the back burner for a bit in order to figure out the rest of my life, and if you are an avid reader of this blog here, you know that it’s been filled with enough roller coaster drama to fill a daytime sitcom. But I genuinely feel like despite the depressing days and the sad nights, the frustrating situations and difficult conversations… things are finally getting “back to good” as we’ve been putting it. And once things are “back to good” it will take only a few more steps to “get to great” and then suddenly we are back to happy again.
I’ve got a new job that I absolutely adore right now. Seriously, I can’t shut up about it (I won’t bore you here…but in person? It’s on.) I got a new phone that allows me to do things I want to do without getting frustrated, and in turn feeling helpless. I had a great conversation after a few days of arguing with Dreamboat and we are both taking the necessary steps to making our marriage better and more about us again. I cut my hair, I am back to visiting the chiropractor weekly, I’m sleeping soundly at night…things are getting good.
All that’s left is getting my ass back into running again.
Which in lies the plan for September. I’ve had to change my race plan due to life and scheduling so now my first half marathon is in November. On Thanksgiving. And I’m literally starting all over again. Time doesn’t matter, pace doesn’t matter, this is for me to rediscover my love of running just like I’m rediscovering everything else that will help me “get back to good.” So it’s Novice 1 Hal Higdon style. Long runs on Saturdays with Kat in the morning, and running after work (or during my lunch break if I can swing it.)
Getting back to good is the first step to getting to great. And I’ve never felt more ready than I do right now.