I’m a pretty mean person, if you ever hear the way I talk about myself. I can’t stand my giant thighs, I hate my big flabby arms, and I despise my stomach. The back fat is back and I hate that, I feel like my face is poofy and I just can’t stand being in my own skin right now.,

Never mind the fact that I just had surgery about 7 weeks ago and haven’t been able to really work out for almost 3 months because it hurt, and not the kind of hurt that makes you push harder but the kind that makes you go hide in a dark cold room after a long hot shower and cry silent tears just begging God to make your head stop hurting.

Even with a knowledge of that, I still beat myself up and it’s sad that I let myself get away with that. I would be furious with any of my friends if they spoke about themselves the same way. In fact, just last night as we were sitting around at the after party for two of my friends wedding – I was chatting with Kyle. He’s a buddy of mine from work, and he said that he needs to start running again because he’s on the top end of his weight scale. I commented on how I am not at my heaviest, but I put a lot back on as well. He told me that I didn’t look nearly as bad as I thought I did.

But every time I look in the mirror – I hate what I see. That’s why tomorrow is the start of #BeastModeRemake.

I’ve adjusted my Insanity calendar to fit in with my running calendar. I was supposed to start last Monday with the fit test but I got sick. And by sick I mean stomach flu meets bad sinus infection that Jamie thought was strep throat sick. If I wasn’t throwing up, I was choking down meds to help me breath. Thankfully I now I have a prescription that will help kill both of those.

Oh, and I was in Moultrie, GA for a wedding. I was watching two of my bestest and closest friends get married. And after hauling all that crap around the reception location, cutting fruit and veggies, opening cans of chicken for chicken salad, and the like… well, I considered all that a work out. I woke up sore every morning. Abs included!! What can I say? Sometimes real life dictates what can and cannot be done. This was one of those times.

So TOMORROW – It’s on. Running in the morning, Insanity in the evening. I’m going to train like I would for the half marathon in November, and really push it. Then, after I do the half, I will decide if the full is what I need to be doing in December. If I feel strong and good afterward? I will continue to add miles. If I don’t, then I will put it off till February. I need to listen to my body and do what it needs me to do, not try to rush things. (I had a massive headache this past Saturday thanks to trying to do too much. I have learned my lesson)

Also – I plan on bringing my laptop with me at the end of October so I can continue the Insanity training while on my cruise. Because #BeastModeRemake goes on vacation – but that doesn’t mean she skips workouts. If I want to stay strong, I need to stick with it. I might run early and then do Insanity before we head out for the day, or skip on the days we have excursions (hello, kayaking!!) but for the most part I want to stick with it.

I am just hoping that I can stick to this and make it work. I really do. I have about 7 or so weeks before the first half marathon I signed up for happens, That should be plenty of time to really get back into it. And I have 3 weeks until the cruise wedding, which if I do the work outs and eat correctly, I should be able to drop some weight before the start.

That is – assuming I get on the scale tomorrow and do the first weigh in for the #BeastModeRemake session. I hate going on the scale and am terrified to see what it is going to say but reality is I need to so I have a base weight and know where I am starting. Then I will weigh in only one time a week. That’s it. No more, no less.

Dreamboat is going to start working out too. He is going to start running when he gets home from work. This works out because I can do Insanity at home in my kitchen while dinner is heating up in the oven and he runs outside. That way, when we are both done, dinner can be too. No more 9pm dinners! huzzah! It can totally work, or we can just make dinner the lighter of our meals.

I want to be proud of all that I am doing, but I don’t feel it. My migraines and the surgery has caused me to drop out of a lot of things I love until I felt strong enough to go back, and the yo-yo medications completely messed with my weight. I can handle that. But now, I’m trying to get back into the girl I was when I was running 5 miles as my short run, and enjoying it.

It’s going to take time, and I know that. Which is why surrounding myself with strong and supportive people is what I need right now. And that’s you: so thanks for keeping me upbeat and happy about my progress and focusing on what’s to come. It helps, more than you know 🙂

Now – I’m going to enjoy my lazy Sunday before beast mode is back again!



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