In the midst of my insane week last week, I missed a lot of things that were actually kind of important to me. I blew off friends, I forgot to call people back, I didn’t sleep much, and I had a meltdown. A culmination of stress, lack of sleep, loneliness and feeling overall depressed created an overly tense, snappy, all around unpleasant version of myself.
And when I snapped and lost it, I lost it big time.
I didn’t mean to blow up. Dreamboat was being snippy with me (as pointed out by two of the people we were with after I got off work) and I was getting tired of it myself. (He’s reading this, and thinking “I wasn’t snippy” but that’s a moot point right now) so what started out as a fun time heading out to the One Spark event that was happening downtown turned into him storming away from me, leaving me alone in the crowd feeling all those things I listed above even more.
I’m not going to go into details on the argument that ensued when we got home, or the events that happened after the argument because that’s not the point of this post. The point of it is that was a huge turning point for me, and a bit of a rude awakening.
I do a lot for everyone. I manage a lot of social media pages for a lot of people, on top of trying to manage my own. I’m constantly going out of my way to do things for people, things I don’t exactly want to do but do anyway because it’s what THEY want and I like surrounding myself with happy people. Happy, strong, independent people….which hasn’t been the case lately.
So after completely melting down and spending some important time with Brian…I’ve discovered myself going back to doing things that I used to do, that we used to do. We went to the fitness center on Sunday night and while he rode the bike, I lifted weights. Then on Monday, while I was doing the Runners For Boston, he got dinner started. I finished it when I got home. Yesterday, instead of going to run right after work like I had planned I pulled out the tilapia and started cooking.
I don’t remember the last time I made dinner for the two of us like that. We then watched something on the History Channel. The program was an hour long, but it took us almost 2.5 to get through it because we were discussing things and then tangent off to different discussions like we used to do. I felt important again, like I mattered. I was settling for going slower in my life, doing things for other people and not focusing on what it was that I WANTED. And slowly, I’m discovering that again.
There are a lot of changes ahead of me to get back to the “Jamie” I want to be…and there will be some seriously disappointed people in my future after I get used to saying “No” or “I want to go faster” or “This isn’t important to me” and the like… but I need to do this. It’s not about everyone else, it’s about me and my life and what I want.
That being said — Who has any advice for a girl who is on the fence about doing a full marathon? 🙂