So….I had somewhat of a meltdown this past week. I have been really stressed out with work, my Dad had admitted into the hospital again, and there was a huge issue with Brian’s family that turned into something it didn’t need to be. I was strung out, furious, hurt and just…over it.
I had been complaining about trying to find time to do this, and to call her, and to do that…and everything just culminated to one huge meltdown that included a lot of alcohol, some time away from everyone, and a lot of time to think about things.
Since taking this new position, I’ve realized that a lot of things have suffered but some things have grown stronger. Some of the things that are stronger is my relationship with my husband…a few friendships have grown…and my cooking skills are expanding. But in the other column…some relationships are not surviving this job shift, my writing has suffered…and so has my running.
I’ve complained time and again about how my running has suffered. I’m not logging as many miles as I was because I simply just don’t have the time to do it. I have one of the most screwed up work schedules in TV, I’m tired half the time from a new world of stress, and I’m still trying to log the miles I am supposed to log based on the training schedule I am doing.
When I see some of my other friends logging an insane amount of miles every day, I get annoyed. Tonight, I was going to run 3 miles, as per my training. Right now it’s storming outside, with wind gusts up to 70 mph, and I’m hungry and totally grouchy. The last thing I want to do is run 3 miles tonight. Should I have gotten up to run? Yes. But I didn’t. Instead, I laid in bed and listened to the sound of the sunrise, and played with some story lines in my head. I curled up with my baby blanket, smelled the awesome fabric softener that I just bought, and thought about the nice time I had with Brian since he took Monday off. We had a chance to just be lazy, which was awesome.
Do I regret not running? Right now I do, because I feel lousy and don’t want to go run. Here’s the schedule for what this week is supposed to be like:
Mondays are usually either rest days, or bridges with Kat.
Tuesdays are usually 3 miles.
Wednesdays gradually increase as training goes on and I am supposed to run 4 miles.
Thursday? 3 more miles.
Friday is usually a rest day because it’s my transition day, but I might run a few since I’m swapping to nights for 12 weeks
Saturday I work 2am – 11am, and usually try to run the bridges after I am off air. If not, I go home and sleep most of the day away so I can spend the evening with Brian
Sunday is long run day. This week, it’s 9 miles.
Monday, we ran 4 miles. Today I’m not running. Tomorrow I’ll run 4 or 5, depending on timing. Past that, I don’t know. I play it by ear and see how it goes.
I am still kind of in the midst of this meltdown. I’m being forced to face things I’d rather just let be, and I don’t want to have to admit that I’m missing some of the goals that I wanted to hit. But Brian told me something earlier today that kind of put things into perspective…
“I told you taking time off is fine. Your only competition should be the clock…” and it kind of fits for the rest of my life as well. I need to worry more about things I can control…not other people’s habits, comments, complaints, or even their crazy freak outs. It’s about me, and my goals, and what’s going on in my immediate life.
Score another life revelation thanks to running…or…NOT running.