This is going to be an odd weekly inspiration update. And I apologize in advance, but I’m kind of trying to have a revelation and wanted some input.
There is this girl I know, who I am working out with from time to time. In the beginning it was fun, and we laughed a lot while we did runs and whatnot. But then, something changed and it felt like every time I said I wanted to do something she would be like “Oh! Me too!” and then do it better than me. It got to the point where I felt like she was deliberately trying to compete with me, to make it so that she was always better than I am.
Every time she shared something with me, I got frustrated and pissed off and just down. Instead of feeling cheered on in my own accomplishments, I felt like she was being pitying. “Oh, you did a 5k in 34 minutes? How nice! I just did it in 29! A new PR!”
It made me want to not speak to her and to just write her off. I started to get angry and my inner monologue was evil: “This isn’t a freaken competition with me, and if you want to make it one, I can make it so that you lose. You don’t understand my sense of competition! You don’t understand at what lengths I will go to in order to shut you up about how freaken awesome you are and how much of a loser I am!”
But as time went on, I realized something – this is wrong. It’s childish and it’s jealousy in it’s ugliest form. So what if this person is working out two sometimes three times a day. Maybe this is all she has going for her right now and needs an outlet. Or maybe she’s doing it to escape reality because she isn’t happy, or maybe she has no idea how she is making me feel. All that extra working out is going to make her faster than me…
And I looked at my own life, and tried to see if I was using this as a scape goat for how stressed out I have been what with my job situation and Brian’s job situation and my Dad’s health and bills and trying to find time for friends, plus my own migraine battles…I’m doing the best job I can with what I have, and shouldn’t that be good enough? Why am I feeling like I need to compare myself to her? Or that she is to me?
Maybe I am the one making it into a bigger deal than it really is. Maybe I’m seeing something that isn’t really there. Maybe it’s just not as important as I am making it out to be.