“I hate my body…”

Who hasn’t uttered those words at one point or another? We all have, and it sucks…

Everyone has set backs. The idea is to get a plan together so you can get past them. I feel like I lost April and May to what I like to call the definition of a soap opera. I spent weeks at the hospital with my Dad, I spent days agonizing over what was going to happen to us if Brian did lose his job, I spent just as much if not more agonizing over what I was going to do with MY job…throw in some other family issues and huh? It’s almost June? When did that happen??

It’s no wonder the scale is moving in the wrong direction.

When I got off the Topamax, I had mixed feelings. I know that it was going to help me not be as emotionally screwed up as I had been (and believe me, that drug made it worse) but I also knew that it was going to cause my  migraines to skyrocket yet again….and my appetite was going to come back. Not something I was looking forward to, but if the emotional drama that had happened stopped and I could be normal Jamie again, then it had to be done.

I’ve been off of the Topamax for about 3 or 4 months now and I’ve gone from 154 to 166. I’m not happy, by any means. (for the record, the migraines HAVE escalated and I’m on a new preventative for it. We’ll see how it works) I’m aware that a good part of it has to do with the fact that I’m probably eating what is considered a normal, healthy amount of food now that I don’t have an appetite suppressant being taken every day (did you know that Topamax does that?) but still. It’s frustrating.

I talked to one of my super close friends Charlie today about it, and she understood completely. She was on the Topamax for a while too, and noticed how it was suppressing her appetite as well. She got off of it sooner than I did because it worked for my migraines. It worked so well I was going 5-6 weeks between migraines, as opposed to 6-8 days like it is now.

“I never felt hungry on it. My stomach never growled. When it growls now, my kids are like…’Mom, what was that?'” she said. I nodded and agreed with her; I knew exactly how she felt.

Part of me is really overly concerned about this. I shouldn’t be, really. My clothes still fit and I still feel pretty good physically (you know, minus that whole migraine thing) so there isn’t any real concern there. But I want to get back down into the 150s again. I felt more confident there, and I felt sexier there.

I haven’t officially announced this yet, but I accepted a new position. A new job that comes with a new salary that will allow me to join the YMCA where I can get back into the Les Mills programs that I am obsessed with. I figure that on top of my running and doing Insanity from time to time, I can peal the 12 lbs, and hopefully more, right off. I’m excited to be able to go back to the Les Mills programs because they rock and really do work wonders. I love that Pump is a full body weights class in an hour and I adore Attack for the HIIT cardio freak out that it is as well. I do love insanity, but it’s hard to keep up with right now when I’m having to watch it on a small, lap top screen. (note to self: see if I can get it to play on the DVD player)

I am also seriously considering restarting half training a bit early. I do find myself missing the long runs I used to do on weekends and while my next half isn’t until October…A 5-7 mile run on weekends could be good for me as well. Maybe. Being as the position I just accepted has me working overnight and into Saturday morning. So we will work out a schedule for that later. Right now, I’m still working out the details.

Ultimately, I have to do this by myself, I think. I am all about cheering others on and supporting them in their endeavors. Hell, I tell people all the time that once they decide what they want their first race to be to let me know and I’ll run it with them. But I feel like the same support isn’t reciprocated by everyone – and motivation is hard. Especially when you are stressed to the gills and need to find a reason to spend that hour or hour and a half working out instead of getting some extra sleep or lounging doing nothing or just listening to music. Finding your own motivation to get yourself out of bed or off the couch to get it done is not easy…and it’s harder when you are having to kick your own ass.

Is this a bit of a ranty post? Yeah. And I apologize for that. I wish I could be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it’s not who I am. Instead, you get a girl who is kicking her own ass back into submission. I let two months of serious stress and drama ruin a pretty good streak I had going and it’s time to buckle down and get focused.

And even if the scale doesn’t budge, I know that it will help me stay sane during the transitions that are coming up.


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