Due to circumstances beyond my control, this blog is going to be on hiatus (again) until January 2017.
thank you for your understanding!
I kind of disappeared again. I honestly didn’t mean to, but I keep doing it inadvertently. Sometimes life gets in the way of things and I’m left having to figure out what to do first, what to do next and what can wait. I don’t want to give excuses, so I won’t. Just know that I am trying my best to get back to my normal and everyday I make steps to get there no matter what gets done or doesn’t.
Now. We are officially 8 weeks from my first half marathon and I am part excited and part terrified. I feel wholly unprepared and nervous. And that’s only 8 weeks out!
Good thing I have a plan.
Who knew that we would start September with a tropical storm!? I sure didn’t. It was fun though. Thankfully, Jacksonville got very little damage and St. Johns County had even less. It could have been significantly worse, as the south and east side of the storm was predicted to be much more severe. I’m glad it wasn’t.
It is, however, the beginning of half marathon training! woohoo! I’m actually really excited about it because I need something to focus on. And this is something we all can focus on!
Sometimes I think about this fitness journey that I’m on, and wonder why things work out the way they did. Not in a “oh, woe is me” kind of way (although that’s there sometimes. I won’t bore you with that) but more of a “Is this a test? What am I supposed to learn?” kind of way.
I spent some time going through my photos as I was organizing the years past and I noticed how my body changed over the years. Going from a self-proclaimed fat girl to a relatively fit runner girl only to go back to a self-proclaimed fat girl is tough on the self esteem, but good on the focus for what it is I want. And what I want more than anything is to be that fit girl again.
Lately, I feel like I’ve been all talk and no work. Unfortunately that’s true: I’ve been incredibly lazy and down on myself. I said I was going to get back to running and be under 200 lbs by now and I’m no where near making either of those two goals. I don’t want to wallow in self pity about it, I made my decisions and I have to accept them.
But September starts tomorrow, and it’s a game changer. I had to postpone my first half of the fall season, therefore not being able to do the Try to be Tuff Challenge because of reasons – some valid, some not. I need to get my lazy butt back in the game PRONTO.
So…. I disappeared. I didn’t mean to. I got really busy between work and life, and for about a week I couldn’t get into my wordpress. Lord knows why. I had to make phone calls with people, verify my identity and change my password like a dozen times before they finally let me in today. I’m really sorry to anyone who is still lurking about and paying attention to this blog. I know there are probably like… 4 of you, but I appreciate your reading this and being patient with me.
Right now I’m writing between assignments. Earlier this afternoon, I was on a video shoot for work at a high school, and tonight I am going to be on a DUI detail. I’m excited about it but am also so behind in personal stuff. And given there has been so much time passed since my last blog, I’m just going to break this down to the good, the bad and the ugly.
So that’s that in a nutshell. I will update you more soon! Right now, I have to sit in a briefing and learn why we are going to stop people from drinking and driving tonight.🙂
I noticed this morning when I woke up (with a migraine) to get ready for work that the sky wasn’t as bright as it was a month ago. Then Dreamboat told me “Happy August” and I realized, oh yes. It’s getting close to end of summer time. School will be back in session soon, pumpkin flavored everything will be out, and in other parts of the country that are not Satan’s playground as Florida seems to be will be seeing temperatures dropping steadily down to more comfortable numbers.
8 weeks and counting in half marathon training.
Dear Fearless Motivation –
I suffer from depression. It literally sucks the life out of me when it gets bad. I feel hopeless and worthless, I feel like a waste of space and that nothing I do will ever be good enough for anyone. I also suffer from everything that comes with depression: the suicidal thoughts, the dangerous desires, all of it. It’s a Hell that I live in, and one that is not of my own making nor is it one that I can control.
Sometime in mid-2014, I started my spiral downward. It wasn’t for another year that I really started realizing that I needed help, and it was during one afternoon surfing through Spotify that I stumbled across my first Fearless Motivation track. My brother had a motivational playlist on his Spotify account, and I figured if anything he’s a smart kid maybe he had something to help. I was looking for something, anything, to lift my spirits just a little bit.
See, I used to be an avid runner. A half marathon was nothing I couldn’t easily do and I was working my way up to a marathon before I started to spiral. I would work out at the gym before work, and then run during my dinner break. I felt strong and powerful. I did, however, have to stop for a while after I had surgery to help my migraines and that’s when things started to slowly unravel. To date, it had been one year since I really worked out when I had found that track on your station.
The Fearless Motivation track I found was called “Believe – Motivational Speech” and it was a game changer for me. “Why is it we don’t believe in ourselves? Why is it as soon as things get tough in our lives we start doubting ourselves?”
Those first two lines, while insignificant on the grand scheme of things, were powerful. Why was it that I didn’t believe in myself? Why was I doubting my ability to overcome this depression like I had in the past? Why was it that I couldn’t pull myself out of it like I had before? I had it on repeat for a week. It helped give me the motivation to talk to my doctor and explain how the treatment we had been doing just wasn’t working anymore and something had to change.
Little did I know that it was the doctor that had to change, but that’s a story for another time.
Despite not running in over a year, I still kept my “Shut Up and Run” playlist on Spotify up to date. I went to your Spotify profile and I added almost all of the tracks that were motivational, uplifting, and made to help people like me find the strength to fight back. Even if it was a lifting track, or a life motivation track, it’s on my Spotify playlist. And when those tracks come on, whether I’m running or listening to that playlist at my desk at work, I feel better. I feel BETTER.
I started to tell my close friends who knew about my plight with depression about the tracks, and forced them to listen to them. I told them about how these tracks were helping me fight the negative thoughts, the self-doubt, the self-hate and the desperate need to wither away. I told them about how now, when I hear those tracks come on my playlist, I push harder, I run faster, I focus more.
I know it sounds like I’m overselling it, but I really believe that these tracks were key in helping me save my own life.
It took me almost six months to find a doctor who would listen to me and work with me on finding a new treatment plan for my depression, and it would still be another 4 months after that before I joined a gym once again and started to work out again. I’m now back at my heaviest weight, and am running 3 miles in 50 minutes. I’m lifting the lightest weights I have ever lifted and I have to do the low intensity options when I go to cardio classes. But that’s okay, because I believe in myself and I know that my character will shine through and my story is being born. I believe that I am taking control back.
I want to be at my fittest once again, but moreso I want to be HAPPY again. I know that my depression will never go away. I was diagnosed in college, but we have been able to track it back all the way to middle school for me. I know that I will always need assistance and medication to help continue this battle and I’m okay with that. I know that there will be good days and bad days, and I know that sometimes there will be bad weeks, bad months, hell – there may even be a time when I’ll have another bad year.
But I believe that I can fight this, and I believe that I can find my passions again. I believe that I can rediscover the hope and love for myself that my closest friends and family have for me. I believe that I can overcome this just like I have before, and I can rediscover that fit girl I was 4 years ago.
And it all started on Spotify, surfing for a track that would make me feel better, even if for a moment.
Thank you for that track. Thank you for putting it on Spotify, and for posting them on your website. Thank you for making these motivational pieces that are doing good things for people, including people like me. I don’t know if these tracks were meant for this kind of motivation, but it helped me. And that’s worth thanking you for.
I’ll be sure to send you a snapshot of me crossing the finish line of my first Marathon in February 2017. After all, it was Fearless Motivation that got me to try again.