Hello, September.

Sometimes I think about this fitness journey that I’m on, and wonder why things work out the way they did. Not in a “oh, woe is me” kind of way (although that’s there sometimes. I won’t bore you with that) but more of a “Is this a test? What am I supposed to learn?” kind of way.

I spent some time going through my photos as I was organizing the years past and I noticed how my body changed over the years. Going from a self-proclaimed fat girl to a relatively fit runner girl only to go back to a self-proclaimed fat girl is tough on the self esteem, but good on the focus for what it is I want. And what I want more than anything is to be that fit girl again.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been all talk and no work. Unfortunately that’s true: I’ve been incredibly lazy and down on myself. I said I was going to get back to running and be under 200 lbs by now and I’m no where near making either of those two goals. I don’t want to wallow in self pity about it, I made my decisions and I have to accept them.

But September starts tomorrow, and it’s a game changer. I had to postpone my first half of the fall season, therefore not being able to do the Try to be Tuff Challenge because of reasons – some valid, some not. I need to get my lazy butt back in the game PRONTO.

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It’s me. I’m me.

So…. I disappeared. I didn’t mean to. I got really busy between work and life, and for about a week I couldn’t get into my wordpress. Lord knows why. I had to make phone calls with people, verify my identity and change my password like a dozen times before they finally let me in today. I’m really sorry to anyone who is still lurking about and paying attention to this blog. I know there are probably like… 4 of you, but I appreciate your reading this and being patient with me.

Right now I’m writing between assignments. Earlier this afternoon, I was on a video shoot for work at a high school, and tonight I am going to be on a DUI detail. I’m excited about it but am also so behind in personal stuff. And given there has been so much time passed since my last blog, I’m just going to break this down to the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

THE

THE GOOD:

  • My running is getting better. I’m at the point where I can run a quarter mile at 4.3 on the treadmill, then walk .2 miles and not get my heart rate over 170. I am slowly adding distance per running segment in hopes that soon I’ll be able to eliminate the walking blocks all together but I am forcing myself to be patient. It’s not easy.
  • I’m now paying for Spotify, and I am so glad I started doing it. Unlimited skipping, no more commercials, AND I can download playlists so I can listen to them when I’m out of data/wifi range. No more excuses for losing my running playlists.
  • They are currently renovating the building across from mine to fit the gym in there. That has me thinking that I could easily run here at the end of my day and still make it to the gym for the classes I want to take. I’m excited for that to happen. It’s a few months away from being completed. It’s LITERALLY just across the sidewalk. Love.
  • I’m really digging my running shoes right now, and need to get a few more pairs. They are great, asics and that’s about all I know. I also need to get a different pair of shoes for work and a third for cross training because wearing my running shoes all the time is a slight issue. Yay, shopping!
  • I got complimented by a coworker to said that it looks like I’m losing weight. My last weigh in had me at 212, so a couple of pounds yeah. Yay!

THE BAD:

  • I had to change my race plans. I’m now not going to do the October half marathon in order to allow myself time to continue the good progress I have with my heart in my running. I am, however, adding a challenge (half and 5k) the weekend before my first marathon. Because I’m crazy. And probably stupid.
  • Migraines are a bit out of control, and that’s hindering my progress. No me gusta.
  • I have yet to make it through my plan of double workouts TUE – THU. It’s frustrating me, and while part of it is work related time issues and scheduling… it still frustrates me. I have to focus on getting this done.
  • Dreamboat starts double shifts in September, which means we REALLY need to focus on the meal planning and cooking of meats and the like on Sundays. I mean REALLY focus on it. Because it will be an issue, I can already see it happening. That means I have to focus on making a real meal plan and sticking to it. I’m not good at that, and neither is he.
  • I’m over feeling like I’m constantly dehydrated. I don’t know if it’s the fact that we are living in Satan’s Butthole (AKA Florida) or if it’s the heart meds I’m on. But I hates it.

THE UGLY:

  • In the matter of a week, I got a migraine, a nasty eye infection that left me wearing my glasses for two weeks, and a cavity that didn’t hurt then but does now. When I do it, I go all out. (Dreamboat also had a tooth issue and currently has a hole in his jaw. It’s kind of terrifying. He’s getting fitted for an implant)
  • My compression shorts have me feeling like a busted can of biscuits. And my shirts don’t fit like they used to. Makes for a grouchy Jamie.
  • I really need to focus on the Gluten Free diet again, because I’m not and it’s a big bloaty mess.
  • Fat girl chafing. NOT A FAN.
  • Freaken WordPress doesn’t know if I’m me. But I am me. I AM ME.

So that’s that in a nutshell. I will update you more soon! Right now, I have to sit in a briefing and learn why we are going to stop people from drinking and driving tonight.🙂

Love,Jamie

Hello, August

START

I noticed this morning when I woke up (with a migraine) to get ready for work that the sky wasn’t as bright as it was a month ago. Then Dreamboat told me “Happy August” and I realized, oh yes. It’s getting close to end of summer time. School will be back in session soon, pumpkin flavored everything will be out, and in other parts of the country that are not Satan’s playground as Florida seems to be will be seeing temperatures dropping steadily down to more comfortable numbers.

8 weeks and counting in half marathon training.

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My Letter to Fearless Motivation

Dear Fearless Motivation –

I suffer from depression. It literally sucks the life out of me when it gets bad. I feel hopeless and worthless, I feel like a waste of space and that nothing I do will ever be good enough for anyone. I also suffer from everything that comes with depression: the suicidal thoughts, the dangerous desires, all of it. It’s a Hell that I live in, and one that is not of my own making nor is it one that I can control.

Sometime in mid-2014, I started my spiral downward. It wasn’t for another year that I really started realizing that I needed help, and it was during one afternoon surfing through Spotify that I stumbled across my first Fearless Motivation track. My brother had a motivational playlist on his Spotify account, and I figured if anything he’s a smart kid maybe he had something to help. I was looking for something, anything, to lift my spirits just a little bit.

See, I used to be an avid runner. A half marathon was nothing I couldn’t easily do and I was working my way up to a marathon before I started to spiral. I would work out at the gym before work, and then run during my dinner break. I felt strong and powerful. I did, however, have to stop for a while after I had surgery to help my migraines and that’s when things started to slowly unravel. To date, it had been one year since I really worked out when I had found that track on your station.

The Fearless Motivation track I found was called “Believe – Motivational Speech” and it was a game changer for me. “Why is it we don’t believe in ourselves? Why is it as soon as things get tough in our lives we start doubting ourselves?”

Those first two lines, while insignificant on the grand scheme of things, were powerful. Why was it that I didn’t believe in myself? Why was I doubting my ability to overcome this depression like I had in the past? Why was it that I couldn’t pull myself out of it like I had before? I had it on repeat for a week. It helped give me the motivation to talk to my doctor and explain how the treatment we had been doing just wasn’t working anymore and something had to change.

Little did I know that it was the doctor that had to change, but that’s a story for another time.

Despite not running in over a year, I still kept my “Shut Up and Run” playlist on Spotify up to date. I went to your Spotify profile and I added almost all of the tracks that were motivational, uplifting, and made to help people like me find the strength to fight back. Even if it was a lifting track, or a life motivation track, it’s on my Spotify playlist. And when those tracks come on, whether I’m running or listening to that playlist at my desk at work, I feel better. I feel BETTER.

I started to tell my close friends who knew about my plight with depression about the tracks, and forced them to listen to them. I told them about how these tracks were helping me fight the negative thoughts, the self-doubt, the self-hate and the desperate need to wither away. I told them about how now, when I hear those tracks come on my playlist, I push harder, I run faster, I focus more.

I know it sounds like I’m overselling it, but I really believe that these tracks were key in helping me save my own life.

It took me almost six months to find a doctor who would listen to me and work with me on finding a new treatment plan for my depression, and it would still be another 4 months after that before I joined a gym once again and started to work out again. I’m now back at my heaviest weight, and am running 3 miles in 50 minutes. I’m lifting the lightest weights I have ever lifted and I have to do the low intensity options when I go to cardio classes. But that’s okay, because I believe in myself and I know that my character will shine through and my story is being born. I believe that I am taking control back.

I want to be at my fittest once again, but moreso I want to be HAPPY again. I know that my depression will never go away. I was diagnosed in college, but we have been able to track it back all the way to middle school for me. I know that I will always need assistance and medication to help continue this battle and I’m okay with that. I know that there will be good days and bad days, and I know that sometimes there will be bad weeks, bad months, hell – there may even be a time when I’ll have another bad year.

But I believe that I can fight this, and I believe that I can find my passions again. I believe that I can rediscover the hope and love for myself that my closest friends and family have for me. I believe that I can overcome this just like I have before, and I can rediscover that fit girl I was 4 years ago.

And it all started on Spotify, surfing for a track that would make me feel better, even if for a moment.

Thank you for that track. Thank you for putting it on Spotify, and for posting them on your website. Thank you for making these motivational pieces that are doing good things for people, including people like me. I don’t know if these tracks were meant for this kind of motivation, but it helped me. And that’s worth thanking you for.

I’ll be sure to send you a snapshot of me crossing the finish line of my first Marathon in February 2017. After all, it was Fearless Motivation that got me to try again.

I hate you, wordpress

getting healthy

WordPress is being moody. It wouldn’t let me into my account for anything. Which is stupid, because I’m amazing and my account should love me. Stupid.

ANYWAY – I had a follow up appointment with my doctor last week and we went over a lot of stuff pertaining to my heart and my depression. My BP is down to 119/84 which is insanely good. My pulse is still running a little high, in the 90s, but that’s in the normal range, according to my doctor. I didn’t ask what my weight was and I deliberately turned my head away when I was on the scale so I couldn’t find out what it was. I didn’t want to know. We also discussed that my heart rate shouldn’t go over 165 right now for working out. To me, that’s low, but I don’t know anything – I’m not a doctor.

So it’s with those numbers in mind – with more to come since I had blood work done today – that I start my half marathon training plan. Let the fitness begin!

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Hello July

getting healthy

I had a 9 day migraine. I started having a headache last Monday and it continued through the week, into the weekend, and didn’t let up officially until yesterday. I haven’t had that kind of pain in years, and most certainly not since my surgery. I called my chiropractor to get an adjustment, and that helped. Yesterday’s adjustment helped too. I talked to Dr. Fort (and the new doctor they have whose name I can’t remember because I fail at that kind of thing) and they said that my neck was not “on straight” and that the misalignment could be directed to the weight lifting I had been doing.

Mental note: don’t do heavy weights on shoulders anymore.

So the last week of June and the beginning of July was off to a great start (note the sarcasm) and it just keeps getting better.

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It's a food thing

There is so much fruit out right now. Grapes, cherries, berries, oranges, watermelon… it’s a utopia of fruit! I’ve been eating as much of it that I can get my hands on, and I can’t ever seem to feel satisfied.

And the amount of fresh veggies right now is amazing too. I’ve been eating Zucchini and mushrooms and corn like it’s candy.

So I decided to share with you some of my favorite fruit recipes from my Healthy Eats: Fruit Pinterest page and from my Healthy Eats: Veggies page.

I’ve made most of them, and I can tell you that they are delicious and nutritious.

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