A lot of things have happened in that time, and I’ll be honest, the decision to give up on IRG for a while didn’t come easy. I don’t think it was really a conscious decision, honestly. I just got so overwhelmed with the things happening in my life that I had to take a step back and really focus on the things that demanded my energy, my sleep, my focus, and my attention.
And a lot of things were brushed aside in the last year or so. More like two years maybe. My running and fitness came to a halt, the hours of sleep I got each night were fewer and fewer, my diet began to worsen, and at least two major emotional crashes happened. One of those emotional crashes I’m still working my way through.
This post is very hard for me to write because it discusses things I don’t want to talk about. Things that are still very fresh and very painful; things I’d rather not talk about: stress, tears, death, and loss. Months of doing too many things at once, fighting with loved ones, fighting with coworkers, losing sleep and too many family members too close together. At one time, I scared those who are closest to me without even realizing it and at another time, I had to be stoic because a few of those closest to me couldn’t offer me the support I so desperately craved. It’s not their fault, but it hurt nonetheless.
Fighting a battle where adults act like children and the ‘child’ has to be the adult in the workplace puts a damper on ones professional life and makes the job they love become the job they hate. Falling into what is called functioning depression because someone has to do the work, and no one else is there to do it causes problems in the long run. Realizing that you feel like you don’t have a ‘safe place’ to have your emotional outbursts anymore, and having to acknowledge the fact the person who means the most to you is giving you all he can but it might not be enough and you might need professional help is terrifying.
And after everything is said and done, still falling apart at the seams at any given moment for no other reason but a memory, a reminder, or a comment made in passing.
Life has literally been a lonely hell, but I feel like I owe it to you to let you know what kept me away for so long. That is, if anyone is still around. I can’t explain everything because I can’t discuss it all. I just can’t. I’m working on getting it all out on a word document but it’s no where near done and it’s taking a very emotional toll on me.
But I can give you what I can. This is a really, really long post.