Healing of the Body

Healing the Body. It sounds so easy to do… Just get up and go out there and do the things you used to do. In theory, it’s exactly that but reality is so different.

Even before my Dad died, my doctor and I were working on trying to figure out what exactly was going on with my weight. I started working out at the Sheriff’s Office and I know that all those lunches out were taking it’s toll on my waistline as was the candy dish that was constantly filled. Throw in graduate school and my time got super limited. Then when Dad got seriously ill,I barely had time to sleep and eat let alone work out.

My diet consisted of grab and go foods I could eat as I ran from work to the hospital to home or whatever I could scrounge up in the hospital cafeteria.

Slight tangent – Can I mention how amazingly awful hospital food is? I thought hospitals were supposed to have really healthy options for those of us who are ‘living’ at the hospital. Fried EVERYTHING. Soda and ice cream. Ugh. Junk. 

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Beginning Again

I’m back, and for realsies this time.

July 1 was the 1 year anniversary of my Dad and while it was tough, there was something cathartic in it. Don’t get me wrong, I miss him terribly and I wish he was here – but I also know that he was in terrible pain and that needed to end. There is a peace that comes with knowing that someone who has been suffering for a very long time is finally out of pain, even though it comes with the death of someone I love. It’s an unpopular opinion because many people also believe if you feel that way, you must not be feel sorrow for the loss.

Don’t think I don’t miss my Dad, or that I’m not sad that he’s gone. Just because I’ve accepted his death doesn’t mean I’m not sad he’s gone (thank you, therapy, for helping me achieve that understanding.) There have been moments in the past year that I’ve so desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call him, tell him about my day or show him my new house, or something. That is different from accepting his death.

We went to visit him at the cemetery and spent some time there. His headstone is up but the unveiling was not for another 6 days. It’s a Jewish thing. We had a small service and then went to Olive Garden which was his favorite place to eat. Why, I don’t know… maybe it was the bread sticks. It was lovely and emotional for everyone there, especially for my siblings. My brother spoke and I remained silent. I posted what I was going to say if I were to speak on Facebook. I’ll share it here:

There is a Hebrew Proverb that reads “Say not in grief he is no more, but in thankfulness that he was.” A powerful statement I think, one that is much harder to live by than to read aloud.

My father was – that we know for certain. Whether it was his booming voice, his contagious laugh, or simply his overwhelming presence – he was. His spirit filled those around him with emotion, sometimes good… sometimes bad, but always passionate.

The past 373 days have been less… the days less colorful, the shine less bright, our joy less exciting since Dad died and went to Heaven. The fire he brought to our family and to you, our friends, has been missing and it would be wrong to say our hearts are not still broken.

But there hasn’t been a day that we haven’t felt him in our lives. In every cardinal that graces our yard, every philanthropic act we do, every sarcastic. Quip that leads to a hearty belly laugh, Dad is with us. In every kind smile we give a stranger, every coffee we buy a friend, every action we do that makes the world a little bit of a better place.

Sometimes grief blinds us to the things that are important. The only truly dead are those who have been forgotten. So long as we keep Dad’s memory in our hearts, he will live forever.

We love you, Dad.

Not gonna lie – Olive Garden was actually quite delicious.

Therapy has been very helpful as of late and I feel like I can finally start… maybe not ‘rebuilding,’ but building something new for myself. 23 years of taking care of someone and now not having that means I can focus on myself and my husband 100% and I don’t know how to do that exactly. I have always had to take care of someone else, or multiple someone elses, and now only having to worry about me and Dreamboat is rather odd but also quite refreshing.

I realize, as I look around my new home and my new space, that it’s a strange new beginning that is going to require work to fix what was broken over the past few years. I know I hurt my marriage, my health, and myself in the process of my Dad’s death – but I know that I can fix that (that is, if Dreamboat is willing to participate as well. Which I am 99.9% sure he is, because come on – he has seen me at my absolute worst and hasn’t left me yet.)

All that being said, I feel… broken and lost, but rather excited too. But I found this needle and thread just sitting here and am going to use it to try and stitch some parts of my life back together, leaving some other parts out in the process. I’ve started the C25K process, I’m eating healthier, I’m sleeping better, I’m meditating, and I’m trying to slowly bring myself closer to the person I want to be.

Healing takes time, and I’m learning patience.

Hi. It’s been a long time.

A lot of things have happened in that time, and I’ll be honest, the decision to give up on IRG for a while didn’t come easy. I don’t think it was really a conscious decision, honestly. I just got so overwhelmed with the things happening in my life that I had to take a step back and really focus on the things that demanded my energy, my sleep, my focus, and my attention.

And a lot of things were brushed aside in the last year or so. More like two years maybe. My running and fitness came to a halt, the hours of sleep I got each night were fewer and fewer, my diet began to worsen, and at least two major emotional crashes happened. One of those emotional crashes I’m still working my way through.

This post is very hard for me to write because it discusses things I don’t want to talk about. Things that are still very fresh and very painful; things I’d rather not talk about: stress, tears, death, and loss. Months of doing too many things at once, fighting with loved ones, fighting with coworkers, losing sleep and too many family members too close together. At one time, I scared those who are closest to me without even realizing it and at another time, I had to be stoic because a few of those closest to me couldn’t offer me the support I so desperately craved. It’s not their fault, but it hurt nonetheless.

Fighting a battle where adults act like children and the ‘child’ has to be the adult in the workplace puts a damper on ones professional life and makes the job they love become the job they hate. Falling into what is called functioning depression because someone has to do the work, and no one else is there to do it causes problems in the long run. Realizing that you feel like you don’t have a ‘safe place’ to have your emotional outbursts anymore, and having to acknowledge the fact the person who means the most to you is giving you all he can but it might not be enough and you might need professional help is terrifying.

And after everything is said and done, still falling apart at the seams at any given moment for no other reason but a memory, a reminder, or a comment made in passing.

Life has literally been a lonely hell, but I feel like I owe it to you to let you know what kept me away for so long. That is, if anyone is still around. I can’t explain everything because I can’t discuss it all. I just can’t. I’m working on getting it all out on a word document but it’s no where near done and it’s taking a very emotional toll on me.

But I can give you what I can. This is a really, really long post.

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Hello, September!

So somewhere between working, studying, trying to fit in work outs, getting into trouble and sleep it became September. I feel like I don’t remember August at all. Okay I know that isn’t true. I remember specific events that happened in August that has fuelled my frustration and passion, my annoyance and my exhaustion, my life in general. But the rest is a blur and that can be fun and frustrating at the same time.

Nevertheless, time rolls on and that means we do too. So with a new month comes new challenges, and for me, it’s time to focus. So far right now, my calendar is pretty calm and that’s a nice feeling since things have been insanely crazy for the past few months. It’ll be nice to take some time to slow down, focus on myself and what needs to be focused on, and really get some things in my head worked out.

“What the hell does that mean?” you mutter. I’m glad you asked.

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New Week – New Challenges

One of the most frustrating things is dealing with someone who is close to you making passive aggressive comments about you, your weight, and your fitness. They make snide remarks about you disguised as small talk and then bat their eyes and pull the “who, me?” crap wondering what they did to piss you off enough to give them the cold shoulder through the rest of dinner.

It was just the motivation I needed to get my act together and force myself to quit making excuses.

Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I’m not feeling good. Yes, I have a lot going on and I don’t really want to go to the gym when sitting down and zoning out for an hour sounds like a better idea. But after that really crappy dinner where this person took it upon herself to make try and make me feel bad about myself for not being able to go to the gym like they had been because I’ve been working full time and going to school full time and acing my classes in the process well…

Well. It kind of worked. Because if nothing else, I want to shut this person the eff up. I’m so tired of this person running their mouth and not giving a crap about how the comments being made are making others feel. So freaken selfish and immature. So instead of making me feel insecure and self conscious, it’s made me furious and focused on becoming the best person I can so I can shut this person up as quickly as possible because the best way to shut a know it all, hollier than thou, “I’m better than you” troll up is to prove them wrong.

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New Week, Feeling Good!

I woke up this morning in SUCH a good place. I don’t know if it was the girls day I had with Marisa on Saturday or if it was the all day texting I had with Heather on Sunday or the massive cleaning Dreamboat and I did on Sunday before I did my homework, but I woke up this morning feeling focused and ready to really get shit done. Given how I’ve felt the past few weeks, it’s nice to wake up feeling motivated and focused and ready to really get down to business.

Now if these blisters on the bottom of my feet didn’t hurt so much, things would be fantastic. 😀

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A Release of Pain – Migraine Update

It’s kind of funny. As I sit here and type this, my head is actually kind of achy. For the past five days, I’ve had the most horrific migraine I’ve had in months… especially since starting the Topamax. So bad that I was wearing my sunglasses inside my darkened condo just to function enough to say hello to my husband, write my schoolwork notes down, and read my text book. It’s been awful.

Being a migraine sufferer is awful and isn’t something I’d ever wish even on my worst enemy. Ever.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages from folks asking how I have been since my surgery a few years back, and if I am still doing well so I thought I would catch up with everyone and let you all know how things are going on the migraine front. I know that I have been talking about them here and there and not really giving you the full story of how things are going with the chaos that is my head so 4pm on this Thursday afternoon is the perfect time to slack off at work and take an hour to catch all of you up on what’s going on right?

I  miss you guys too, so I’m taking advantage of it. And if you are my boss reading this, I promise it’s not really 4pm on a Thursday. I made that up. 🙂

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June has Begun

 

Here’s how life is right now:

Today my dad is getting his third round of intense radiation for stage 4 lung cancer. My dog is up and moving around and she’s making me smile. Grad school is killing me slowly. Work is taking a lot out of me but I still love it. My place is a wreck but I’m desperately trying to put it back together. Dreamboat is in his own little world half the time, and the other half the time I think I have his attention. And I’m back at the gym in the mornings before work.

And I’m exhausted. All. The. Time.

It’s been hard trying to get back in the habit of getting up early enough to work out in the morning, but I know that once I am back in that things will be great. I’m resetting my alarms to wake up at 4:45 so I can actually get up at 5am. Right now it’s not happening. At all. Doesn’t help that Dreamboat is nice and warm and cuddly in bed too. 🙂

THINK ABOUT THE SWIMSUITS JAMIE! THINK ABOUT THE SWIMSUITS!

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Wait, it’s already May?

Okay, so I said I was going to restart everything on May 1. Well, that day came and passed and I didn’t even notice it. And suddenly it’s May 4th and I was like ‘oh crap!’ when did THAT happen? Well, I was out of town for the weekend so that didn’t help things. Seriously, have I been that busy that I missed the start of May? Apparently, I have been. Well, shit.

Seriously, have I been that busy that I missed the start of May? Apparently, I have been. Well, shit.

The good news is, I’m more aware of things now because I’ve taken a moment to slow down and look at what’s happening around me and not just what’s happening in my office or in my textbook. I mean, my schedule is still stupid insane but I forced myself to sit down with a calendar and write out everything that was happening for work and for school out for the month of May. And then I cried because I have zero time.

That’s why I go to the gym so early.  Continue reading

Happy Birthday to Me

For the past 5 years, I’ve done a post called Birthday Facts. I’d do one fact for each year I had been alive. I didn’t feel right doing one this year. Not because I didn’t have 37 new facts that I could have shared with you. I had started the facts a dozen times but just couldn’t finish it. I don’t really have a reason why either, honestly. I just felt like it wouldn’t be fair to do it when I wasn’t being consistent in anything else.

But what I have been consistent in is getting my health figured out. Between my blood pressure issue, my migraines, and my weight, it’s been a tough but productive few years and I can safely say that I am doing better now than I have. I’ve still got a long way to go, of course, but at least I can say things are different now.

And while things aren’t exactly going my way, I’m finally getting to a more stable point. And that makes things easier.

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