Hi. It’s been a long time.

A lot of things have happened in that time, and I’ll be honest, the decision to give up on IRG for a while didn’t come easy. I don’t think it was really a conscious decision, honestly. I just got so overwhelmed with the things happening in my life that I had to take a step back and really focus on the things that demanded my energy, my sleep, my focus, and my attention.

And a lot of things were brushed aside in the last year or so. More like two years maybe. My running and fitness came to a halt, the hours of sleep I got each night were fewer and fewer, my diet began to worsen, and at least two major emotional crashes happened. One of those emotional crashes I’m still working my way through.

This post is very hard for me to write because it discusses things I don’t want to talk about. Things that are still very fresh and very painful; things I’d rather not talk about: stress, tears, death, and loss. Months of doing too many things at once, fighting with loved ones, fighting with coworkers, losing sleep and too many family members too close together. At one time, I scared those who are closest to me without even realizing it and at another time, I had to be stoic because a few of those closest to me couldn’t offer me the support I so desperately craved. It’s not their fault, but it hurt nonetheless.

Fighting a battle where adults act like children and the ‘child’ has to be the adult in the workplace puts a damper on ones professional life and makes the job they love become the job they hate. Falling into what is called functioning depression because someone has to do the work, and no one else is there to do it causes problems in the long run. Realizing that you feel like you don’t have a ‘safe place’ to have your emotional outbursts anymore, and having to acknowledge the fact the person who means the most to you is giving you all he can but it might not be enough and you might need professional help is terrifying.

And after everything is said and done, still falling apart at the seams at any given moment for no other reason but a memory, a reminder, or a comment made in passing.

Life has literally been a lonely hell, but I feel like I owe it to you to let you know what kept me away for so long. That is, if anyone is still around. I can’t explain everything because I can’t discuss it all. I just can’t. I’m working on getting it all out on a word document but it’s no where near done and it’s taking a very emotional toll on me.

But I can give you what I can. This is a really, really long post.

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Hello, September!

So somewhere between working, studying, trying to fit in work outs, getting into trouble and sleep it became September. I feel like I don’t remember August at all. Okay I know that isn’t true. I remember specific events that happened in August that has fuelled my frustration and passion, my annoyance and my exhaustion, my life in general. But the rest is a blur and that can be fun and frustrating at the same time.

Nevertheless, time rolls on and that means we do too. So with a new month comes new challenges, and for me, it’s time to focus. So far right now, my calendar is pretty calm and that’s a nice feeling since things have been insanely crazy for the past few months. It’ll be nice to take some time to slow down, focus on myself and what needs to be focused on, and really get some things in my head worked out.

“What the hell does that mean?” you mutter. I’m glad you asked.

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New Week – New Challenges

One of the most frustrating things is dealing with someone who is close to you making passive aggressive comments about you, your weight, and your fitness. They make snide remarks about you disguised as small talk and then bat their eyes and pull the “who, me?” crap wondering what they did to piss you off enough to give them the cold shoulder through the rest of dinner.

It was just the motivation I needed to get my act together and force myself to quit making excuses.

Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I’m not feeling good. Yes, I have a lot going on and I don’t really want to go to the gym when sitting down and zoning out for an hour sounds like a better idea. But after that really crappy dinner where this person took it upon herself to make try and make me feel bad about myself for not being able to go to the gym like they had been because I’ve been working full time and going to school full time and acing my classes in the process well…

Well. It kind of worked. Because if nothing else, I want to shut this person the eff up. I’m so tired of this person running their mouth and not giving a crap about how the comments being made are making others feel. So freaken selfish and immature. So instead of making me feel insecure and self conscious, it’s made me furious and focused on becoming the best person I can so I can shut this person up as quickly as possible because the best way to shut a know it all, hollier than thou, “I’m better than you” troll up is to prove them wrong.

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New Week, Feeling Good!

I woke up this morning in SUCH a good place. I don’t know if it was the girls day I had with Marisa on Saturday or if it was the all day texting I had with Heather on Sunday or the massive cleaning Dreamboat and I did on Sunday before I did my homework, but I woke up this morning feeling focused and ready to really get shit done. Given how I’ve felt the past few weeks, it’s nice to wake up feeling motivated and focused and ready to really get down to business.

Now if these blisters on the bottom of my feet didn’t hurt so much, things would be fantastic. 😀

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A Release of Pain – Migraine Update

It’s kind of funny. As I sit here and type this, my head is actually kind of achy. For the past five days, I’ve had the most horrific migraine I’ve had in months… especially since starting the Topamax. So bad that I was wearing my sunglasses inside my darkened condo just to function enough to say hello to my husband, write my schoolwork notes down, and read my text book. It’s been awful.

Being a migraine sufferer is awful and isn’t something I’d ever wish even on my worst enemy. Ever.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages from folks asking how I have been since my surgery a few years back, and if I am still doing well so I thought I would catch up with everyone and let you all know how things are going on the migraine front. I know that I have been talking about them here and there and not really giving you the full story of how things are going with the chaos that is my head so 4pm on this Thursday afternoon is the perfect time to slack off at work and take an hour to catch all of you up on what’s going on right?

I  miss you guys too, so I’m taking advantage of it. And if you are my boss reading this, I promise it’s not really 4pm on a Thursday. I made that up. 🙂

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June has Begun

 

Here’s how life is right now:

Today my dad is getting his third round of intense radiation for stage 4 lung cancer. My dog is up and moving around and she’s making me smile. Grad school is killing me slowly. Work is taking a lot out of me but I still love it. My place is a wreck but I’m desperately trying to put it back together. Dreamboat is in his own little world half the time, and the other half the time I think I have his attention. And I’m back at the gym in the mornings before work.

And I’m exhausted. All. The. Time.

It’s been hard trying to get back in the habit of getting up early enough to work out in the morning, but I know that once I am back in that things will be great. I’m resetting my alarms to wake up at 4:45 so I can actually get up at 5am. Right now it’s not happening. At all. Doesn’t help that Dreamboat is nice and warm and cuddly in bed too. 🙂

THINK ABOUT THE SWIMSUITS JAMIE! THINK ABOUT THE SWIMSUITS!

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Wait, it’s already May?

Okay, so I said I was going to restart everything on May 1. Well, that day came and passed and I didn’t even notice it. And suddenly it’s May 4th and I was like ‘oh crap!’ when did THAT happen? Well, I was out of town for the weekend so that didn’t help things. Seriously, have I been that busy that I missed the start of May? Apparently, I have been. Well, shit.

Seriously, have I been that busy that I missed the start of May? Apparently, I have been. Well, shit.

The good news is, I’m more aware of things now because I’ve taken a moment to slow down and look at what’s happening around me and not just what’s happening in my office or in my textbook. I mean, my schedule is still stupid insane but I forced myself to sit down with a calendar and write out everything that was happening for work and for school out for the month of May. And then I cried because I have zero time.

That’s why I go to the gym so early.  Continue reading

Happy Birthday to Me

For the past 5 years, I’ve done a post called Birthday Facts. I’d do one fact for each year I had been alive. I didn’t feel right doing one this year. Not because I didn’t have 37 new facts that I could have shared with you. I had started the facts a dozen times but just couldn’t finish it. I don’t really have a reason why either, honestly. I just felt like it wouldn’t be fair to do it when I wasn’t being consistent in anything else.

But what I have been consistent in is getting my health figured out. Between my blood pressure issue, my migraines, and my weight, it’s been a tough but productive few years and I can safely say that I am doing better now than I have. I’ve still got a long way to go, of course, but at least I can say things are different now.

And while things aren’t exactly going my way, I’m finally getting to a more stable point. And that makes things easier.

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I want to take a moment and apologize for disappearing again, especially when I told you that I wouldn’t do that anymore. I don’t want to give you an excuse, but my family is going through something pretty horrible right now and I had to take a step away without announcing anything because I was hurt and angry and I ended up lashing out at people irrationally. I can’t discuss with you what the situation is just yet as we are still in the process of informing extended family of what’s going on and going to appointments and the like, but once we have a solid idea of what we are dealing with, I’ll share the information with you. For now, I’m asking for prayers for my family: that we can find strength and understanding in this time. And if you are feeling generous, I know this might be too much to ask, but if you could add a small one in there for me to find some peace of mind and heart … I’d be grateful.

Now, back to what we are all really here for. Fitness.

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Migraine Update

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I had an appointment with my neurologist this morning, and we discussed how my migraines seem to be increasing again. It’s frustrating and the ones I get are debilitating, to say the least. Meredith, one of the doctors there, said that now is the time to reconsider a preventative.

I had very little success with the in the past with the exception of Topamax, which was great for my migraines but I had a few of the severe side effects that potentially put my life in danger and that prompted me to drop off of it really fast. So I was cautiously optimistic when Meredith suggested a different version of the Topamax since it worked before.

Apparently, about two years ago they came out with an extended release version that is supposed to lessen the behavioral side effects of the drug. I would take one a day at night, for a few weeks and with the help of my family, I would track the side effects to see if I was starting to see the behavioral changes again.

If all goes well, it will help keep my migraines away. If all goes bad, then we are back to square one.  Continue reading